The Oath Of The Long-Haired Cat
I, [insert name] do solemnly swear to uphold the duties entrusted to me
by virtue of being a long haired cat:
Should I feel the need to eject a hairball, I promise never to do so on
an easily cleanable surface if there is carpeting or other suitable fabric
I shall give continuing credence to the notion that cats are color-blind
by seeking out contrasting colored fabrics on which to shed.
I shall exit the litterpan with at least a pound of cat litter between
my toes, and proceed to spread it to the furthest possible point in my
environment. Should I fail in my effort to leave the litterpan with a clean
rear end, I will immediately sit on as many fabric covered items in the
household as possible, and should this not satisfy my sense of personal
hygiene, I shall dutifully scoot across a light colored carpet or bedspread
to finish the job.
Should my owner invite people over to visit, I will proudly strut through
the room in which they sit, tail held high, with as many dingleberries
dangling off my hind end as I can possibly manage. Should this not cause
sufficient embarrassment to my owner, I will then endeavor to sit in the
I will consume canned cat food in a manner to assure that a good portion
of it ends up in my ruff, and when I drink water, I will make every effort
to soak the front portion of my body, thus, reconstituting the dried up
canned food and my ruff into a mess that will throw my owner into spasms.
I shall always keep in mind that the proportion of coat lost during a show
bath should be directly correlated to the number of points needed to finish
my Grand title.
When it is the season to "blow coat", I shall sneak into the linen closet
as many times as possible in order to lie on the clean linens and rid myself
of loose hairs.
Should I feel the need to cause a knot in my coat during show season, I
shall make reasonable effort to assure that the knot is in the most obvious
place possible, thus sending my owner into frantic stages of worry.
Should I require labwork at the vet, I shall throw a very impressive hissy
fit, causing the poor vet to shave off much more coat than would have been
otherwise necessary. I will then shoot pointed dirty looks at my now
I shall purr endearingly as I insist on sleeping on my owner's face at
2 AM, causing allergy symptoms.
While partaking in my alloted 18 hours a day of lounging about, I shall
position my tail in such a manner that my owner is bound to step on the
hair and pull it out in clumps simply by walking across the floor. Even
though I do this intentionally, I will then sulk and cause severe guilt
to my owner.
I will endeavor to drag what is left of my tail through my owner's dinner
plate, while acting like I don't realize what I am doing.
Should my owner make the grievous error of attempting to paint the interior
surfaces of my home, I shall closely supervise all aspects of this painting,
and add my own art-deco to the project by walking across the lid to the
paint can and as many uncovered surfaces as possible, leaving lovely starfish
I shall make every attempt to knock the clippers from the highest point
possible onto the hardest floor in the house.
I promise to fulfill these duties as the opportunities present themselves
to the very best of my ability.
Signature [add pawprint]
Signed this ______ day of_______, 19__
(Author is Traci Jones.... first printed in the Cat Fancier's Journal,
Summer/Fall 1996 issue.)
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Barbara Petersen, February 1999 email@example.com